by Val Farmer
In response to my request from readers for information about their experiences with abuse of the elderly, I was able to discern what might be a common pattern.
Elderly parents are vulnerable to the persuasion, influence and control of adult children who are in a position of being caregivers and/or close advisors to their lives. This is more apt to happen when the parents are failing in mental acuity and judgment, and are fearful or lack confidence in managing their own financial affairs. The situation becomes exacerbated when a spouse dies and the relationship with the “protective” child becomes more dependent.
Widows who are inept at farming, with little background in farm finances, are more vulnerable to manipulation about farm expenses, gifting, and changes in estate plans. This is also true for experienced farmers who are widowers and are suffering with dementia or decline in judgment.
Why would children abuse their parents in this way? Greed sets in. The temptations around valuable farm estates and property are considerable. Being in a position of trust, the children are able to manipulate and take advantage of their elderly parents. Some perpetrators may rationalize and feel “entitled” because of decisions and sacrifices made long ago and a perception of being unfairly deprived.
Others may have had checkered lives of failure and ineptness in managing their own personal affairs. They sense the parents’ vulnerability and move back home and befriend their parents in their old age, seeking to profit from the relationship and eventually from their estate. If they are Johnny-Come-Latelys to the scene, they will quickly collude with the primary caregiver in efforts to exclude concerned and well-meaning siblings.
Using the law for personal gain. The financial manipulation includes access to parental assets, back accounts, gifting, changes in the will or estate plan and dispossessing and disinheriting other siblings. The abuser gains financial and healthcare guardianship to solidify their control over the surviving parent’s assets. He or she then uses the parents’ assets to protect him or herself from opponents by paying any legal expenses involved with threatened or actual litigation. Less wealthy siblings can not afford the expensive litigation process funded by monies “stolen” from the estate and their future inheritance or from a parent’s current assets.
One reader observed, “Older attorneys that have been on retainer for years may consent to questionable or unethical practices out of loyalty or laziness and do not take principled stands against the new colluders who have emerged on the scene. Many times in these situations, poor estate plans are rescued when families (parents) seek out new counsel and get a wider vision than they would get from ‘the good ole boy’ who has routinely been rubber-stamping their decisions.
”If there is a principled attorney involved, he is discharged and inevitably one will be found who will do the sibling’s bidding; the attorney also sensing an economic opportunity. They use the full powers of the law to support the unethical actions and delay or prolong the process, all to their personal benefit as well as that of their clients.
Emotional control. The caregiver, using his or her position of trust and dependency, has an opportunity to shape the perceptions of the elderly parent through biting or judgmental comments against the motives or actions of less accessible siblings. If there have been past family disappointments or estrangements, these are exploited and dramatized.
The elderly parent becomes physically and emotionally isolated from the distant or less involved siblings. Reasons are trumped up and family visits are obstructed.
Fights over healthcare. Besides finances, decisions regarding health care is the other legal and family battleground. Sometimes healthcare issues are a smokescreen for the financial abuse. Sometimes they are a focus of dispute between siblings about appropriate care and safe environments for aging parents.These battles can be just as emotional, if not more so, than the perception of financial manipulation. Failure to consult, restriction of visits, and perception of mismanaged care can be emotionally wrenching for children who love their parents.
Health care power of attorney is the legal tool that is used by one side or the other to promote their interests. There are two sides to every story. One side might use power of attorney to restrict visits of manipulating siblings that agitate the parent(s)and are fighting sound healthcare plans. The other side might fight for power of attorney to reverse inadequate care decisions and free the parent(s) from an emotionally or financially abusive situation.
Consequences. Sides are taken. Family relationships are severed. Long and expensive battles ensue to straighten out claims of wrongdoing with regard to wills, estates and financial impropriety. Cousins who used to be best friends no longer get along because they feel cheated from something that should have been rightfully theirs. Attorneys get rich at the family’s expense.
Another reader comments, thinking of her troubled sibling and now legal opponent, “What is lost is the family ties that far outweigh financial gain and greed. It will make for a lonely life, without support, care or friendship; that which cannot be bought.”For more information on elder abuse, visit Val Farmer’s website at http://www.valfarmer.com/.
specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Mo., and can be contacted through his website.
SOURCE: The Prairie Star.Com
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