Elder Abuse: 'Family secret' could be impacting mom's health

Elder Q&A


Rosanne DiStefano


July 19, 2010


Q: I was watching television the other day and saw an ad for a new show about family secrets. I am ashamed to admit I was raised in an environment which could be one of the features. As long as I can remember my father has been verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother and all my siblings. He was never physically abusive so there weren't visible signs for people to notice. I thought when my parents got older things might change, but it seems worse since my mother has had medical problems. I am convinced the stress at home is impacting her health. How do I convince her to finally do something about the situation?


A: The odds aren't particularly in your favor since this has been a lifelong pattern of abuse on your father's part and submissive behavior with your mother. None of you should ever have had to endure the abuse and there is no excuse for your father's treatment of his family. It appears you and your siblings have gotten as far away as possible and have formed healthy relationships in your own lives. Your mother on the other hand never was able to break the cycle for many reasons.


This is a time for you to rely on professionals to try and make an impression on your mother. You are far too close personally to the situation; leave this up to individuals who have experience working with victims of abuse on all levels. The first step is to make a report to the local protective service agency or to the Elder Abuse Hotline 800-922-2275 (nights/holidays/weekends). It is important to understand their ability to initiate positive changes will be largely up to your mother's willingness to allow the intervention. Protective Service workers can't force themselves into the situation without your mother agreeing to their involvement. It seems strange to an outsider that someone in an abusive relationship would refuse help but it happens all the time. The abuse is a lifestyle your mother has been exposed to for a long time, it is not going to change overnight.


The advantage to having professionals working with your mother is their focus will not only be on what is best for her but also on looking to find the help your father so desperately needs. Not knowing how many times you have spoken with your mother about the abusive environment or if this was something never discussed, it will be helpful if you express your concerns for her well-being but do not overtly pressure her or make her feel guilty for remaining with your father all these years. It is going to take time to break through all of the layers of family dysfunction.


While there may be reasons for your father's behavior, there are never excuses for abuse. This is a bigger problem in our community than most people realize and there are many families with secrets.


Are you struggling caring for an older relative, friend or neighbor? Our staff is available for no cost consultations in the home, office or community setting. We can make this an easier experience for all involved.



SOURCE:  Eagle Tribune
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